Taking that step from being part of a team into single parentdom, I've done it before.. So why does it seem scarier this time? Why does it make me feel worse in everyway to last time?
I don't know.
Hubby, well exhubby now, doesn't even know how to use internet banking, even when we had split last time he opted to ask his mum to do his banking for him, pay his rent, his bills, yet I'M the one left feeling like the failure, like I wasn't good enough, where is my normally logical brain now!?!
Am I a mighty fine person? FUCK YES I am! Am I trying my best? FUCK YES I am! Will I succeed? You better fucking believe it.
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Not much of a surprise
But hubby and I have split up. I'm not quite sure what to make of the whole situation, we're still living together until I find a house so it's awkward to say the least.
Part of me wants to ask him for a hug, bearing in mind he has been my best friend for years even before we got together, but I know that crosses the line. I don't really have anyone but him and my kids. My social anxieties stop me from making friends easily and people touching me grosses me out unless it's someone I feel comfortable with.
To top off the split I have an impending surgery, full hysterectomy and an ovary removal (just the one, she doesn't want to throw me, a 25yr old, into menopause) so I'm kinda freaking out about that too, the original plan was for him to come with me and be there when I woke up and now, well now I'm having to ask someone I barely know to drive me the hour trip to the hospital and again to pick me up 3-4days later, she has a 1yr old so I can't ask her to hang around while I go through a 3hr surgery just so I have someone to wake up to.
And then I have family court over my son, his dad is a loser to put it nicely, likes his drugs and alcohol and can't even txt to confirm the dates (that I stated) for the school holidays visit let alone skype on a regular basis yet me spliting up with hubby could in fact lose me my son, fair? I think not.
While having all this on I've just started full time study doing my business diploma so get to juggle study around the mess I call a life. And the only thing I can think about is how much I want a hug.
Part of me wants to ask him for a hug, bearing in mind he has been my best friend for years even before we got together, but I know that crosses the line. I don't really have anyone but him and my kids. My social anxieties stop me from making friends easily and people touching me grosses me out unless it's someone I feel comfortable with.
To top off the split I have an impending surgery, full hysterectomy and an ovary removal (just the one, she doesn't want to throw me, a 25yr old, into menopause) so I'm kinda freaking out about that too, the original plan was for him to come with me and be there when I woke up and now, well now I'm having to ask someone I barely know to drive me the hour trip to the hospital and again to pick me up 3-4days later, she has a 1yr old so I can't ask her to hang around while I go through a 3hr surgery just so I have someone to wake up to.
And then I have family court over my son, his dad is a loser to put it nicely, likes his drugs and alcohol and can't even txt to confirm the dates (that I stated) for the school holidays visit let alone skype on a regular basis yet me spliting up with hubby could in fact lose me my son, fair? I think not.
While having all this on I've just started full time study doing my business diploma so get to juggle study around the mess I call a life. And the only thing I can think about is how much I want a hug.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
So it turns out..
I'm starting my business degree, well I've started my business degree. First up, a summer school paper, doing Business Communications. It has very little to do with business, in fact most of it I learnt during a stint of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) after D was born. But anyway we learn about how people communicate, the nuances of non verbal communication yada yada yada and yesterday we broached the topic of behaviour styles, and what conflict management suits what behaviour style (you get the drift right?)
WELL! there are 4 behaviour styles, Aggressive, Submissive (or passive), Manipulative (submissive and aggressive rolled into one) and Assertive. Well 3 out of 4 are pretty self explanatory (a,a,s) but the one that caught my attention AND had a good 15 minutes explanation of it was the manipulative, now I'm going to assume you think (as I did) that it means they are manipulative, and for SOME you'd be right but for the majority they aren't manipulative, in fact they try to be as honest and up front as possible. But then there's the full explanation, it is caused by some negative happenings in the childhood (no one that is hasn't had negative happenings iykwim???) the person would usually be submissive, choosing not to speak up if something makes them uncomfortable or upset or feel anything but happy, these people have poor self esteem that isn't helped through the usual channels (do something good = feel good about yourself) in general they're usually mistaken for depressed people with their general lack of happiness but on the flip side they have this aggressive side that comes out under pressure, explosive temper, uncontrollable moods prone to being more easily upset and difficulty controlling the emotions that they feel when dealing with others the list goes on! Not only are these types of people very rare, these people are also more often than not bipolar, and during an up cycle don't show ANY of these traits instead tending to be more of an assertive behaviour style (which is good, can be argued it's the "best" type to be) Well I was sitting there thinking, tick, tick, tick, tick, the longer my tutor spoke the more uncomfortable I was getting, she kept looking at me so I started to feel like she was plucking all of this out of my head!
Now behaviour styles are a funny thing, they're like temperament, part of who you are, the general makeup of what shapes you, of how you make decisions, react to certain situations. But there is some good news in all of this, you CAN change who you are at a basic level, if you were one of the others, why would you? In my extensive experience with various counsellors and psychiatrists I learnt with a lot of hard work and even more perseverance you can overcome any and all short comings in your head.
So it turns out we have an aggressive and manipulative behaviour types living under the same roof.. Life makes just that little bit more sense now.
WELL! there are 4 behaviour styles, Aggressive, Submissive (or passive), Manipulative (submissive and aggressive rolled into one) and Assertive. Well 3 out of 4 are pretty self explanatory (a,a,s) but the one that caught my attention AND had a good 15 minutes explanation of it was the manipulative, now I'm going to assume you think (as I did) that it means they are manipulative, and for SOME you'd be right but for the majority they aren't manipulative, in fact they try to be as honest and up front as possible. But then there's the full explanation, it is caused by some negative happenings in the childhood (no one that is hasn't had negative happenings iykwim???) the person would usually be submissive, choosing not to speak up if something makes them uncomfortable or upset or feel anything but happy, these people have poor self esteem that isn't helped through the usual channels (do something good = feel good about yourself) in general they're usually mistaken for depressed people with their general lack of happiness but on the flip side they have this aggressive side that comes out under pressure, explosive temper, uncontrollable moods prone to being more easily upset and difficulty controlling the emotions that they feel when dealing with others the list goes on! Not only are these types of people very rare, these people are also more often than not bipolar, and during an up cycle don't show ANY of these traits instead tending to be more of an assertive behaviour style (which is good, can be argued it's the "best" type to be) Well I was sitting there thinking, tick, tick, tick, tick, the longer my tutor spoke the more uncomfortable I was getting, she kept looking at me so I started to feel like she was plucking all of this out of my head!
Now behaviour styles are a funny thing, they're like temperament, part of who you are, the general makeup of what shapes you, of how you make decisions, react to certain situations. But there is some good news in all of this, you CAN change who you are at a basic level, if you were one of the others, why would you? In my extensive experience with various counsellors and psychiatrists I learnt with a lot of hard work and even more perseverance you can overcome any and all short comings in your head.
So it turns out we have an aggressive and manipulative behaviour types living under the same roof.. Life makes just that little bit more sense now.
Sleepless in... Well Taupo
Thought I was going to say Seattle didn't ya? ;) It is currently 12:45 am (valentines day even) and sleep eludes me, SO, I thought I'd come on here and let out some of the crazy hehe
Hubby gets frustrated with me when I can't sleep "apparently" it disturbs him but really honestly truly I can't help it, I have 2 very full on kids tomorrow with no kindy, does he really think I don't WANT to sleep???? Cause I do. SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! I hate being groggy and tired and having to have 6 cups of coffee just to open my eyes. And to top it off, I have a very important interview tomorrow for an assignment that is worth a whopping 27% of my final mark! Part of me is tempted to just make up the answers and see how much I get out of a "winging it" attempt but then I get paranoid I'll get busted o.O
ANYway, back to not being able to sleep, being up at this hour is very common for me cause I'm one of those thinker/worrier type people so if I have something important on the next day, or there is a problem between Hubby or money is a bit tight or whatever could possibly be wrong, I'll lay awake thinking and analysing and trying to come up with a solution for literally HOURS... I went to bed at just after 10, finally gave up trying to sleep at half 12.... I keep trying to think of a way to fix this thinking problem of mine, mildly ironic isn't it ;)
Now, I made google my friend the other day and looked up 'signs and symptoms of stress' (there's been a fair amount of that going on here of late) and not only is procrastination a leading sign (which just happens to be my biggest yet least favourite pastime) but apparently irritable bowel syndrome is also a common symptom of too much stress... Guess who has needed to go to the toilet 5 times today? >.< You can have 3 goes but I bet you'll get it in one ;)
Well that made me think, if you are too stressed out and it's affecting your body and mind why on earth would it do things that only have one result, more stress???? Completely beyond me as to why to be perfectly honest, I don't even have a theory, and I have a theory for EVERYTHING.
I think the lack of sleep is getting to me, I completely forgot where I was going with that tangent.... So this is me leaving you all to your fun filled (and hopefully less stressful) lives xx mwah!
Hubby gets frustrated with me when I can't sleep "apparently" it disturbs him but really honestly truly I can't help it, I have 2 very full on kids tomorrow with no kindy, does he really think I don't WANT to sleep???? Cause I do. SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! I hate being groggy and tired and having to have 6 cups of coffee just to open my eyes. And to top it off, I have a very important interview tomorrow for an assignment that is worth a whopping 27% of my final mark! Part of me is tempted to just make up the answers and see how much I get out of a "winging it" attempt but then I get paranoid I'll get busted o.O
ANYway, back to not being able to sleep, being up at this hour is very common for me cause I'm one of those thinker/worrier type people so if I have something important on the next day, or there is a problem between Hubby or money is a bit tight or whatever could possibly be wrong, I'll lay awake thinking and analysing and trying to come up with a solution for literally HOURS... I went to bed at just after 10, finally gave up trying to sleep at half 12.... I keep trying to think of a way to fix this thinking problem of mine, mildly ironic isn't it ;)
Now, I made google my friend the other day and looked up 'signs and symptoms of stress' (there's been a fair amount of that going on here of late) and not only is procrastination a leading sign (which just happens to be my biggest yet least favourite pastime) but apparently irritable bowel syndrome is also a common symptom of too much stress... Guess who has needed to go to the toilet 5 times today? >.< You can have 3 goes but I bet you'll get it in one ;)
Well that made me think, if you are too stressed out and it's affecting your body and mind why on earth would it do things that only have one result, more stress???? Completely beyond me as to why to be perfectly honest, I don't even have a theory, and I have a theory for EVERYTHING.
I think the lack of sleep is getting to me, I completely forgot where I was going with that tangent.... So this is me leaving you all to your fun filled (and hopefully less stressful) lives xx mwah!
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
It has been awhile....
Wow didn't realise how long it had been, shit keeps hitting the fan and it's such a time consuming job to clean up the mess....
And that made me think, considering it's only January we have been through a lot and I'm more certain than ever that the universe hates me, how do you think of life? Let me elaborate,
I am a firm believer in fate, yes you could argue life is full of choice but the type of people we are dictate which option we choose so it's not really a surprise that you choose that path (iykwim??) and of course every choice you make changes the parameters of the next decision you make or what the consequences of your choice are, cause and effect. So I'm a firm believer in fate, we are programmed to willingly choose the path that has been pre-ordained for us
So I'll ask again, what are your veiws on life???
And that made me think, considering it's only January we have been through a lot and I'm more certain than ever that the universe hates me, how do you think of life? Let me elaborate,
I am a firm believer in fate, yes you could argue life is full of choice but the type of people we are dictate which option we choose so it's not really a surprise that you choose that path (iykwim??) and of course every choice you make changes the parameters of the next decision you make or what the consequences of your choice are, cause and effect. So I'm a firm believer in fate, we are programmed to willingly choose the path that has been pre-ordained for us
So I'll ask again, what are your veiws on life???
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