Taking that step from being part of a team into single parentdom, I've done it before.. So why does it seem scarier this time? Why does it make me feel worse in everyway to last time?
I don't know.
Hubby, well exhubby now, doesn't even know how to use internet banking, even when we had split last time he opted to ask his mum to do his banking for him, pay his rent, his bills, yet I'M the one left feeling like the failure, like I wasn't good enough, where is my normally logical brain now!?!
Am I a mighty fine person? FUCK YES I am! Am I trying my best? FUCK YES I am! Will I succeed? You better fucking believe it.
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Saturday 2 March 2013
Not much of a surprise
But hubby and I have split up. I'm not quite sure what to make of the whole situation, we're still living together until I find a house so it's awkward to say the least.
Part of me wants to ask him for a hug, bearing in mind he has been my best friend for years even before we got together, but I know that crosses the line. I don't really have anyone but him and my kids. My social anxieties stop me from making friends easily and people touching me grosses me out unless it's someone I feel comfortable with.
To top off the split I have an impending surgery, full hysterectomy and an ovary removal (just the one, she doesn't want to throw me, a 25yr old, into menopause) so I'm kinda freaking out about that too, the original plan was for him to come with me and be there when I woke up and now, well now I'm having to ask someone I barely know to drive me the hour trip to the hospital and again to pick me up 3-4days later, she has a 1yr old so I can't ask her to hang around while I go through a 3hr surgery just so I have someone to wake up to.
And then I have family court over my son, his dad is a loser to put it nicely, likes his drugs and alcohol and can't even txt to confirm the dates (that I stated) for the school holidays visit let alone skype on a regular basis yet me spliting up with hubby could in fact lose me my son, fair? I think not.
While having all this on I've just started full time study doing my business diploma so get to juggle study around the mess I call a life. And the only thing I can think about is how much I want a hug.
Part of me wants to ask him for a hug, bearing in mind he has been my best friend for years even before we got together, but I know that crosses the line. I don't really have anyone but him and my kids. My social anxieties stop me from making friends easily and people touching me grosses me out unless it's someone I feel comfortable with.
To top off the split I have an impending surgery, full hysterectomy and an ovary removal (just the one, she doesn't want to throw me, a 25yr old, into menopause) so I'm kinda freaking out about that too, the original plan was for him to come with me and be there when I woke up and now, well now I'm having to ask someone I barely know to drive me the hour trip to the hospital and again to pick me up 3-4days later, she has a 1yr old so I can't ask her to hang around while I go through a 3hr surgery just so I have someone to wake up to.
And then I have family court over my son, his dad is a loser to put it nicely, likes his drugs and alcohol and can't even txt to confirm the dates (that I stated) for the school holidays visit let alone skype on a regular basis yet me spliting up with hubby could in fact lose me my son, fair? I think not.
While having all this on I've just started full time study doing my business diploma so get to juggle study around the mess I call a life. And the only thing I can think about is how much I want a hug.
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